this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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