A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
