dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
