OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
