Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
