my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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