I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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