guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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