the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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