I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
