duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
