I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
