Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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