you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
