I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
