My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
