i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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