I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
