gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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