Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
