so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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