420 ftw
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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