I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
