wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
