6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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