I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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