it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
