I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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