I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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