I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
