I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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