Princesses don't give blow jobs
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
