One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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