Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
