A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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