Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
