My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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