Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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