Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize