FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize