Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
