Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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