I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
