gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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