Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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