I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
