It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
