Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
