I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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