i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
