I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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