You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
