I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I would ride that face into the sunset
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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