Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well you can't waste a boner
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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