you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
