My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
