You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
