I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
